before the ink dries

Ok so I have my 6-week check-in with Dr. Rosen tomorrow (tomorrow is happening in 35 minutes) at 8:15am in the up-my-butter-east side.  I realize I haven’t written anything since the weekend I had surgery back in February and a short musing on my birthday.  I’m going to have to an update if there is downtime tomorrow at work.  I’m not very good at Doogie Howser type posts, and I relish in details and what I was thinking/feeling/doing/smelling… Sometimes when I move my healing knee, I try to remember what it felt like before when it was ruptured.  I don’t want to ever forget those times, in some twisted way (ha - total pun intended), because they help in the in-the-moment feeling of every future step (zing).  Anyway, I want to take a shower now.  And change my sheets.  I can smell them.  Yes, that is what I’m thinking now.  And… it feels good.

I’m not drunk.

Ew, I can feel last night’s sweat under my calves.  I can’t wait for clean skin and new sheets.

(Yes, I’m single.  Surprising, eh?)

Heyyyy…Don’t judge!  I have roving eyes my way sometimes, but I’m Clark Kent at work.  Not even Diana and Wonder Woman (even though I feel like the latter outside of work), because Diana still had this work swagger.  Definitely a Clark bumbling Kent.

Speaking of work…I thought someone was cute today (which never happens because of my tendencies towards non-attraction in work settings — but he was tall and reminded me of Nigel Barker).  I averted my eyes and felt my skin turning red even though that must have been my total imagination because my skin doesn’t turn red unless I’m drinking.  I felt… this is more accurate…  I felt the corners of my mouth curl upwards like I had a big secret about winning lots of money or having been cast in a big part(!), or like I was hiding a puppy under my desk. (Strike out - I would not be excited about a puppy under my desk)  And that puppy was licking my toes or tickling me.  Or (gasp!) a boy I’m hiding from my parents (if I was in junior high or something) down there… Gross, I’m halting my mind right now.  There was nothing under my desk but a long cord that continues to get in my way at work.  I take everything back about this person…  Office crushes are a no-no, and I bet if I saw him again I’d IM my friend about some defect to pull myself away, or he might not be as cute as I first thought.  My tendency is to be attracted to people who have nothing to do with what I do - no actors/performers, no music/hip-hop people or DJs, no media/interactive people, no friends of friends.  But… I break my rules all the time. ;)

(Ok, so that’s why I’m single.)

Is this a 25 things about me confessional FB thing?

What the hell is this “Let people answer this option” to my right?

Did I ask a question?

I’m not rereading any of the drivel above.  My pores need attention.  And my clean but wrinkled sheets need their turn on my mattress.  Good-night.

PS - It’s 17 minutes until tomorrow, and when it’s tomorrow I’ll be so fresh and so…!

it has been a month since my surgery (feb 13-mar 13), and i wanted to do a recap of how much has happened in a month… but today is my birthday, and i could either write for 2 hours or take a nap before terri comes over to doll up for tonight’s dinner/dancing (but not me).  i will have to write tomorrow.  a lot of ups and downs (even today i had a nearly perfect day, but had a sliding doors moment in missing a show - more later - but then i think it’s a trade-off situation… if i did that thing, i wouldn’t be able to take a nap to be as UP as i can be tonight… and i save $25)

ps i know i’ve been obsessed with my leg lately, but it’s a way for me to remember the road before and ahead of me.

ok i’m off to thank all the lovelies for the warm wishes on FB.

…and suffering continuous passive motion withdrawal.  Sorta.

My stomach/pelvis/abs area feels like the two brothers from “Human Wrecking Balls” (a TV show to which my brother introduced me this weekend) are slowly pressing down with their monster wrecking boots past my insides to the other side then back again.  It feels like Lance Armstrong is upset with me for saying previously that I was a champ on the bike during PT, and now Lance is cycling inside there.  It feels like Laura Ingalls is churning butter with a long, dull wooden spoon.  It feels like I have a compression machine down there.

It is less like this now, because I’m sitting up… and to spare you the details, I spent hours in the bathroom through the night trying to release whatever toxins were haunting me (to no avail at first then painfully later both ways).  The worst would be going back to my bed, lying out and adjusting my braced leg on my pillow and feeling all those analogies above happening again.  Like I was dying a slow death.  Most likely, it’s a stomach ulcer…?  A side effect of the Naxopren and Vicodin I’ve been taking.  I hadn’t taken any Vicodin on Sunday at all (but had to Saturday night as I tried to sleep, not because I was throbbing in pain but because I could feel my leg too much and it was uncomfortable.  Like a feeling of stitches being loose or slightly ripping.  A wound feeling.  Not like when I first got injured and tried to sleep after getting home from the ER, and screaming every time my leg fell off the pillow.  That felt like knives stuck in the sides of my knee).

So let’s see I’ve taken 3 vicodins total… same as last time when I was recovering from Sarah’s house.  And 5 Naxoprens.  But I’m not taking either one today.  I kept getting the dizzy, upset stomach (which until now had just been just nauseating queasiness) and cramps.  I almost didn’t want to take it yesterday, because my I woke up with these tummy pains too before eating and couldn’t even do the CPM machine without it feeling like my abs were getting beat up in a tough CRUNCH Fitness training session or something.  Whatever it is feels cyclical too.  ‘Cause just now I had one of the OWEE moments.

Surprisingly my leg feels fine.  There have been a few moments this weekend, like later in the evening on Saturday before doing the CPM machine that I could tell my swelling was coming down but that the sharp pains of the stitched knee would be kicking in.  There is also some discomfort on the CPM machine at the height of the bend and extensions, but in a very long stretch way.  I keep increasing the speed slowly throughout each 3 hour session so that I get to average setting instead of just slow.  I hope that is OK, and that I’m not breaking any stitches (which sometimes it feels like that).

Damn - again I just had another compression feeling.  This time like a bad painful burp that wouldn’t happen.  I hate medicine.  Anyway, on Sunday (the 3rd day after surgery) evening before going to eat sushi with my family… I ditched the crutches!  I hobble with my brace.  I think it’s because Dr. Rosen told me that some people just use the brace after 3 days, and of course I’m competitive and decided to do that too ON THE 3rd DAY.  Not after.  I feel like I could have on Saturday, because I didn’t feel terrible pain when putting my weight on the foot (WITH the brace, that is) but I played it safe and only put weight on it if I had the crutches under my arms to get used to that weight bearing feeling.  There must be something to be said about “staying off of it” anyway for 2 days even though it wasn’t in terrible pain the way my original injury was.

(Seriously there is a hole in my stomach.  Help me.)

I just got off the phone with the CPM machine folks.  They gave me a faulty machine that keeps saying “Angle Error” when I try to use it.  Then I saw last night that two wires were broken off.  Great.  $35/day for a broken machine.  I was able to use it on and off on Friday night and Saturday, but last night it went bust.  I go on that thing 3hrs at a time… I’m supposed to do at least 6 hrs a day.  When it wasn’t working yesterday, I decided to do a gravity stretch (not for 3 hrs but for 20 reps) that I learned in PT.  I saw that I’m VERY close to 90 degrees if not a 90 degree bend!

(Oh my god - I would give anything to have a normal resting state right now.  My insides are still churning so badly.)

Ok I meant to write a ton more, but I can’t take this pain anymore and need to go curl in a ball somewhere (ha I can’t with my brace) or lie on the ground and just breathe heavily.  I’ll just go quickly through some highlights from Friday’s surgery and the weekend afterward.

Facts, Just the Facts… Ma’am

• We got to Mt. Sinai right on time.
• The billing department was nice about letting me pay 1/4 of my deductible for now till I get paid next week.  Phew.
• I was ushered in for surgery right at 10:30am.
• My mom said I was acting like I was on vacation with all the pics I took.
• Dr. Rosen erased my knee marking and put his own initials.  He said, “It’s very cute, but I’m going to have to fix that.”  I guess it’s NY State Law that they ask you, “Do you know what body party on which we’re operating today?”  Then you say it, and they mark it.  I wasn’t trying to offend anyone.  Just to not let them make a mistake.
• There was a nurse with the maiden name DUMLAO.
• I didn’t know how to answer about my semi-loose teeth (I was born without two of my bottom teeth, so there are minor gaps).
• The operating bed is not much wider than my body, and about the length of my body too.  I said to them stupidly that it would be funny if hotel rooms had beds that size…but then you’d fall off them.  It wasn’t funny.
• They were playing hip-hop, R&B and reggae off the radio when I first entered the OR.  They had my film up on the wall, and there were all these residents but not Dr. Rosen yet… it felt like a party.  They were dancing too.  I was dancing on the bed.  I told them that I can’t do the “Walk it out” dance with my injured leg.
• The anesthesiologists tried to IV me near my elbow but missed the vein twice before going to the top of my left hand.  They said I had scared veins, and tiny ones (because of my size) that roll.  I like the idea of my veins being shifty, like fish trying to get away.  Smart veins.  Dodgy veins.  Spunky veins.
• While the IV was going in one hand, another doctor was putting the blood pressure armband on me… at the same time.  Like a medical manicure!  I said in surprise, “Oh it’s not a person squeezing it.  It’s a machine!”  Then that is all I remember before waking up with blankets on me, and a stiff something on my left leg that I suspected was a brace.  I didn’t even get  the countdown!  Man, I’m too small….  Like some Ernest Hemingway novel… I woke up not knowing where I was, and nurses were tending to me.  Or yelling my name asking me where I was… to which I’ve answered several times, “Yale New Haven Hospital” (Because that is where my mom works as an RN)  Uncovering the blanket to see my left leg in thebrace when I first woke up felt like being in a movie.
• I also yelled out: “Brooklyn, we go hard!” and “I Love you too!” (when a nurse told another patient that) and some other things.  My nurse told my mom that I was all over the place.
• My surgery was done at 1:04PM (Or that is when my dad said Dr. Rosen called), but I didn’t wake up from the recovery room till after 5PM.  I kept waking up and being dizzy and sleeping some more… I also didn’t know we were allowed to use the restroom so I tried to hold my pee, but saw that a patient asked to use the restroom so I copied him but ended up working my nurse double because she had to tend to us both.  And used a (gasp!) bedpan for the first time.  I forgot I had that backless gown still on!
• Back in the OR recovery room Phase 2, I was still super dizzy especially every time I got up/down to the wheelchair to go pee.  I think they thought I was crazy, because I would get up and prop myself and  hop and go myself.  But in the end they made me use the wheelchair.  And I got to pull the “I’m done” string.  But every time I got up/down, I would get serious dizzy spells.  They said I had too much anesthesia.  But really, I just get really affected by anything that goes into my body for A LONG TIME Too.  If I drink ONE drink, I’m loopy ALL night.  Ew motion sickness.  I could hardly chew my graham crackers.
• Dr. Rosen’s resident came to show me briefly the CPM machine, but I’m glad the technician ended up coming JUST BEFORE I was getting dressed to go back down (after my dad went to get the car and my mom went to Duane Reade for my prescription)…Dr. Moss didn’t explain anything very well, so the technician was very helpful albeit annoyed that he had to come back.  He didn’t even want to help carry the machine down with me to the car. 
• My CPM machine was delivered, but the technician never showed me how to use it (because I was still recovering) so we had to wait from 5:30-8:30 for them to come (I was still dizzy anyway and had a hard time eating anything - I hadn’t eaten for 24 hrs!)
• By the time I ate (spicy ramen with chard) at my parents’ house in CT, it was 11pm! And I used the machine right afterward.  I was nervous, because they made it seem like it was going to hurt a TON.  But I started slowly, and I took a vicodin because I could feel the hospital painkiller wear off.

Seriously though, it did not feel as painful as I expected.  Maybe all the hard work in PT paid off beforehand.  It was more painful on Saturday and Sunday after the swelling started to go down… like stretching a wound or something.  I wondered if my stitches broke, but I won’t know till I take the dressing off today for a shower (yeah I had to wait till Sunday but to play it safe, I waited till now).

I remember when waking up in OR recovery, feeling like my leg was bound together.  It didn’t feel splayed and spilling everywhere inside the way my other injury felt.  It felt like there was scotch tape everywhere holding me together, and it felt nice.  A few times I thought about how there is someone else’s tendon in there, but already as I see my leg bending and stuff at nearly 90 degrees (I’m supposed to reach 100 in a week) I know my leg is trying to welcome the newcomer into my body and have it go along with the Jenny ways.

The sucker gets warm too, but that happened last time.  And I can feel my heartbeat in my knee - it’s probably blood pumping through though.

So Saturday and Sunday consisted of time on the CPM machine, icing (supposed to do 30 min every hour, but how is that possible if I’m CPM-ing too), watching my brother play SMASH BROS. and/or watching a Laura Ingalls’ type movie series by Michael Landon Jr. that  unbeknownst to my mom has heavy Christian messaging.  It’s like whoa, Sunday school!  I wore my mom’s scrubs over my leg brace to go out, and looked fat but didn’t care.  I also didn’t end up touching any of the things I brought with me (my HDs, taxes, etc) because of the CPM machine.  Yes, I overpacked.

Oh yeah, the CPM moves up and down and I started at 40 degrees increasing by 10 each day.  It feels like a machine is stretching and moving you.  It’s nice except for the parts where it feels like compression or a deep stretch.  I hated when I’d get the angle error message, because I’d have to keep starting over when it froze.  The first night hurt more, because I’d fall alseep (it was 2am at this point)  but my muscles would relax and boom - compression!

I’m a little nervous to take off my dressing today to shower.  I was surprised at the lumpy shape on Friday when I took my brace off to do the machine.  Poor knee.  It’s strong, though.  I don’t really know what to expect when I take that dressing off.  I wonder if the AR in permanent pen is still there.  Will I have large gashes?  I know I’ll have stitches and sutures because Dr. Rosen scheduled an appointment with me on THurs 2/26 to check them out and remove them.  (And until then no baths.  Good thing he told me, or I would have done that like I had when I got injured - but I had no open wounds then.)  Do I put the dressing back on after I shower?  Do I put the gauze on before the brace?  Or let it show through the hole?  I wonder what will happen in PT today?  I kinda don’t want to leave CT, but I know I gotta go home to BK too.  My mom is super worried.  I’m really independent, though.  I mean, dudes… I’m walking.  And if I need it, I figured out how to use crutches up and down the stairs.  I’m proud of my legs.

Up with the good, down with the bad.

(Pics later.)

I’m due at Mount Sinai in 2 hours.  My parents are on the FDR.  I’ve decided to write until they call my phone, and I hear that Napoleon Dynamite ring I set for my dad.  I feel like it’s early and we’re getting ready to go to Orlando, FL to Disney World, because: a) it’s really dark still outside at 6am, b) I haven’t finished packing and c) being in a car with my parents when it’s dawn-ish after having packed makes me think of long car rides from CT to Orlando, FL (even though it only happened once back in 4th grade).

I meant to write about the ups and downs since MLK Jr. weekend.  Whoa!  I just realized in the time of being home in Brooklyn from one holiday to another (President’s Day - what!… no not that stupid commercialized love holiday… a little bitter, Jenny?  ok no… but for reals), I managed to make great strides with my knee.  And now I’m going to get all cut up, and start again.  What is that… three weeks?  Yes, in three weeks I went from having to stick my butt out to get up my apartment stairs to now hugging my knees and having FULL range of motion.

At PT, my therapist told me when attacking stairs “Up with the good (leg), down with the bad (leg-duh).”  It seems like a good way to attack life too.  I had some pretty not-fun things happen in this past week alone that I thought would taint my newfound stair PT pov.  (uh oh, I hear my roommate’s alarm - he’s a teacher - I hope I can still make teh shower in time… it’s always a see-who-gets-in-the-shower-first game and you snooze, you’re late!)  Anyway, to those bad things (even that possible additional Betsey Johnson dress/skirt that I think I’ve left behind too that has been tossed out by an ex-bf with other sentimental items… grr lots of items)… I’m going to push you down the stairs and keep climbing up.  Sometimes I feel like I gained more in my 3 weeks versus the 3 years with this particular person, but that is another story for another day.  Because lordy, it ain’t over and… yeah man, keep it movin’ keep it movin’.

I’m proud to announce, though, that my PT thinks I’m amazing.  Not me, but my legs, I guess.  The assistant and PT.  After being stretched and being tight/locked/hardly able to bend back on jan 22nd when i first went to him… and not even being able to do 5 cycles on the bike (each time going around wincing and wanting to cry because it feels like someone is ripping the inside of your knee when you hit that bend with the pedal), on the following Monday after Chinese New Year (just 3 sessions in), I was pedaling for 10 minutes quickly like I was Lance Armstrong.  (I wasn’t even supposed to go 10 minutes… i cheated and added double the time just because and even eventually upped my resistance).

Even though in bed, I’m rolling around, twisting and turning… sleeping fetally (as opposed to the on-the-back only way I had been for awhile). It’s nice.  I hobble still when i run (almost got hit by a car, so I had to “run”)  I am kinda janky on the one at a time leg DOWN the stairs… but I’m a champ up the stairs.  Aisha said when going up the steps back to the NJ TRANSIT trains after seeing the Nets/Spurs game (thanks again, A)… “You’re faster than I thought.”  My legs were always much stronger than other parts of my body (maybe heart wins - dooosh… score for making this entry on top of the cheesy mountain), so I’m hoping the hard work with PT exercises at home and going 3x a week (not covered by insurance… yikes $150/week) will pay off.  Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em volleyball team (aka Synergy), get ready for me!

You know, wow I just realized I’m on my tummy writing this.  I would never have been on my tummy before.  Oh but now I’m remembering how funny/scary it was to ride the bus and subway with Dave to Paragon and Union Square during my “test run” on the subway.  Yeah, for the first week coming back I decided I’d only ride the subway after rush hour, because the whole subway motion thing felt like insane rollercoaster rides and/or snowboarding.  Bus too… after it jolts if you’re not at your seat yet.  I got caught on rush hour still after work on my 1st day back, though.  Ha, talk about being pushed in teh pool.  Note, 6:45PM when going on the C past Broadway Nassau is STILL rush hour.  People didn’t know I was hurt, because they couldn’t see my hospital shoe.  I made it through, though… finally got to sit when someone saw me struggling to balance.  I never thought I would die on a subway before, but I figured out that standing with the pole as my left leg and perpendicular to the direction I was going helped a lot to counter-balance.  Like I was snowboarding.

Doh… Napoleon Dynamite playing.  My dad is at the door.  If I can, I’ll write more later.

New Knee TIME!

I have been indoors since Tuesday, January 13th evening.  It’ll be 3 days.  That is 72 hours.  I don’t think this is what Dr. Rosen meant by going as aggressively as I can.  But it’s cold, and I’m limited while I’m in Long Island.  Plus, most of my daytime work involves sitting at a computer…  I know what dogs feel like who are left in the apartment.  Teddy and I concluded I’m nowhere near the world record, but I think this sort of thing can make someone crazy.  It’s the same not going outside once during a 3-day weekend.  I know it’s possible, but pretty difficult to not leave one’s apartment once.

I’m pretty fatigued from work this week, but I’m excited because tonight I’ll finally see “Slumdog Millionaire” which has been on my list of movies to watch since October prior to its release.  I think I make the mistake of saving movies to see with certain friends, and then as it gets closer we can’t go see it.  And now… I think I’m going to maybe get myself the Cinema Club membership I’ve been wanting for 6 years from BAM Rose Cinemas and go see a bunch of movies for $7.50 (Film Buff for twice as much allows you $7.50 tickets for you + friend and invites to special Q&As and events… maybe) on my own.  I love movies.  I have too many I need to see before the Oscars, a lot of which I would normally have seen the opening weekends.  This past year I did see a bunch of crap at 12:01am at the Loews near the Magnet with improv friends… before anyone else!

Anyway, I’m excited for my friend(s) date tonight with Eric and Sarah.  They’ve been really good to me, and I love them for it.  Cheap eats and a movie.  I need to start making better eating choices (not like I eat terribly, but since I’m usually pretty active I can eat what I want and at least maintain my normal weight).  I decided not to move any of my upcoming appointments, including that with TalentWorks for end of month… because I’m not letting this knee thing conquer me.

I’m excited and a little wistful to leave Long Island this weekend for my apartment in Brooklyn.  I will miss Sarah I’m sure and this nightly “how was your day” rapport that I’m not used to when I’m by myself (hey, remember, I’m the girl who spent a Sunday night not opening her mouth once for 8 hours — or I’m constantly talking to myself… just not about my day).  It has felt like “Three’s Company,” like we’re roommates or something.  Or ALF.  Or adopted.

I told my boss that I would try to start again at Saatchi next Tuesday, and really push it this weekend with a lot of walking (“Be aggressive!”).  Maybe I’ll even attempt to walk around while Sarah and Eric are running their race (Hmm - I wonder if that is smart, because I can’t just stop walking while they’re running and it’s not near their apartment in Long Beach.)  If I find that it’s possible to do stairs without the crazy inflammation I’ve had lately, I gotta go back to BK… especially before that war zone piles up before the work week.  Cleaning my room will be a nice low-key way of testing myself.

I’m going to continue to BPM my music, and take care of some things until its time to get ready. (I guess despite the small amount of personal work I’ve brought with me, I didn’t get to nearly as much as I wanted… but I think there is something in this knee injury telling me to “slow down,” and not worry about it.  If I get to release Vol. 1 of “The Misadventures of Jenny Doom” by end of this month great… if not, I push it.  Rest and sleep are important too…. haha “You let him go into the sun?” OK I’m watching something while I write this.)

World, what is happening out there besides the great and horrible news I’ve seen on TV or read online?

Fresh air, are you ready for me?

PS - I forgot how much I love “Arrested Development.”  10 cents for nuts.

I’m following my mantra to write first thing in the a.m. when I get up, but I want to go back to bed.  I’m afraid at the avalanche awaiting for me in my work webmail account.  I bent my leg too far in the night, and released more cold sweat but centralized this time on my upper right-side of my body including my right arm/shoulder.  I think the way the body protects itself is pretty cool, and it verifies everything I learned in Mrs. Manzo’s 9th grade biology class (amino acids make up proteins!)

There are big chunks of snow falling outside Sarah’s window in the apartment.  It’s the prettiest thing I see outside the window, and certainly beats the telephone pole.  (Btw, Sarah’s apartment is a lower level, so it’s one of those you see people’s feet before you see their heads type deals.

Ok, I’m going to see if I can sneak in 5 more minutes of snooze before the avalanche hits.